Okay things have happened. Namely I have came to my crossroads. I have three options. So to continue from where I have left, I will start with Ben.

It appears that his life is SOOO busy that he can't afford the time to message me. This lack of interest led me to my final decision to let him go. I told him directly that I would let go of my obsession and if he came back to me he'd be all mine. CLEARLY, he didn't want anything to do with me. I was thinking of writing a long spiteful letter to him, but finally decided that he wasn't worth the work--not only that but he probably wouldn't read it anyway. Why waste my time. Because (at this moment) that's what he is, a waste of time. So: Dear Ben, Goodbye for now.

Next situation: Blake Shearer.

He made me quake with his sex appeal, he makes me an envious man of his physical features, but is that all that I find extraordinary about him: yes. He is sweet, and it actually threw me off balance when he showed his interest in me. I guess I'm not used to guys actually liking me. When I met him weeks ago he didn't seem as if he was interested (in fact he seemed straight), yet when I saw him at Freshman Fest, of recent, I totally missed my signal although he was definitely flirting with me. It made me happy but also confused. I guess that's when I entered analysis mode. I weighed the pro's and con's, because of my next situation.

I guess the biggest part of my news from my life would be my official LDR (long distance relationship) with Peyton Farmer. Which has given me much conflict with the previous situation considering the circumstances.

More about Peyton. Well for a while now (week or so) we have been txting back and forth, we have several similar interests and we make great conversation (when he's actually wanting to talk about his day.) Although, why we fit together socially is more of his aptitude for listening. I mean there are a lot of times when I just want to rant and need someone to be there, and recently he's been there for me in that way.

We've been talking about future plans, and we originally talked about not becoming official until we knew it was a right fit. This was the moment when I had to decide. I could either choose to date around until Peyton and I got together or I could commit to him, and just rough it out until I could get a car to get down to him (he lives in Terre Haute, I in Fort Wayne -- 3.5 hours away.)

When this Blake guy started flirting with me I thought sure I could manage both guys and no one would get hurt. But the more I thought about it I realized that - I - would be the one hurting, and that's exactly what happened: my desire to be with Peyton and guilt for wanting to be with another because I couldn't be with Peyton immediately. It drove a stake right through my emotions. I thought even longer on the matter on my bus ride home the other day, and I fully analyzed the situation.

I could be with Ben: if he actually wanted to be with me, which he's shown no attempt. I could be with Blake: if I actually liked him for more than his looks, which from what I know he seems more like a good friend less like boyfriend material. I could be with Peyton: if I was patient and could wait for him. And after weighing all the pro's and con's I chose to be with Peyton.

He's everything I'm looking for, minus the distance. But that's what I like too, now I can develop something special without the risk of rushing things. I like him, and dare I say, love him. He makes me happy, and I am completely infatuated in the crazy-about-him sort of way. I like this.

Things are looking up!

So I haven't posted an update in a while, and at this time I feel it necessary. I am going to be jumping topics often so hold on tight.

I lost my job.

I had been working at Subway for just over a year when they decided to terminate me. I cannot believe how relieved I was after getting fired. No more Ashley, no more Devil-of-a-boss, just me time. And that's what it was for a while. I relaxed. Stayed home, slept till three went to bed at three. It was my new three to three lifestyle. All was good.

Then came the nagging.

First it started with my Mother telling me that I needed to start putting applications in. Well in her mind I should always be looking for a job, so as you can assume we had different intentions. I, however, did put in applications and do the few menial chores that they would assign me, yet that was never good enough for them.

So my Father showed his authority by changing the locks.

They tell me that I have to be gone from the time they leave for work in the morning till the time they get back to work. I obey only because I have to. Bringing me to my current situation. I am broke. I am at the mall five days out of the week. I am hating my life. </point>


So as per my parents instruction I go in search of a job every weekday. FAIL. I've been searching for nearly a month and I still have nothing. It was my great idea to pay a company to give me a list of places that were hiring. There went two-hundred dollars. FAIL. I did however find an opening at JCPenny's Portrait studio. I applied and I am going to make my a comeback appearance tomorrow. As far as jobs go, I am not doing well.

Now onto the current Ben situation.



My junior year of high school I participated in the TV studio program located in Science Central which officially led me to my first job. That aside, I met many people interested in similar things, and these people were very friendly because we all had a common interest learning. Well by that time in my life I had already discovered the joys of guys (at that time really young guys), and I started to develop a pseudo-crush on this guy named Ben (ironic).

Basically, he was everything I was looking for, and we clicked in a way that made me crazy about him. The program dissolved due to a lack of funding, and as it did I was forced away from Ben.

(This part goes quick.) A year without speaking to him and I find him on Facebook. I am in my senior year (sometime) and he IM's me so we can catch up, which is when he tells me that he's bisexual. A year after that and you find yourself in the present. We message eachother sparingly and he asks me on Facebook if I wanna hang. I tell him that although I might act a little creepy I really would like to meet up.

So we arrange a time to go to the mall together and every thing is fine. I arrive at the mall early, he was like twenty minutes late-no biggie. We hang out until he gets hungry and that's when he ditches me to go eat with his other friend. I decided not to get involved, which was my first mistake. He meets back up with me after lunch with a tag-a-long buddy. So this was about three and most of the day is over for me. We then pick-up another friend and go to this music shop that sells it all. Which was fun, even though I had already been there once before. We leave and go back to the mall and I leave to go home.

So based on what I had observed at the mall I would've thought that he wouldn't be interested and that it was all in my mind and that I should stop my little obsession. Well I write him this long message at midnight:

">.> I really need a lover. Just sayn. So, officially I am excluding you, ending my sexual interest in you 100% kay. On the grounds that you're in High School, you like women, and I'm doomed to be forever alone anyway... Just throwing that out there, cuz if you were gay I would have seriously made a move...u make it hard to resist u! Lol! But were just friends! No more wondering, no more dreaming, ur officially in the clear! :D Just FYI I don't care what ppl think, I really shouldve joined you for lunch...I feel kinda bad...almost rude that I didn't choose to join u...sry... But yes we must do something of your choosing next time ;D"

And this is what he writes back to me:

"Okay :P

and ya never know with me.. i kinda liked goin to the mall with you lol."

"In other words, you would have a chance with me. ♥"

WHAT!?!?!?!

So that was officially when I totally went crazy-obsessed over him. I mean if he actually meant it wouldn't you?

More to write, but I am getting tired of thinking about this.

I also have texting now. Goto Facebook for number without areacode inbox me for that if you like ;)

(Not Tagged) (To Be Continued...)

I return after many days of school, finally coming to an end. I won the fight and lost the war.

I have little to show for what has happened my freshman year of college. I've changed little. Gained little. Lost a lot.

...le'sigh... It only gets worse. Till then. Adios.
-Joseph

It is 4/20, although I am kind of panicking, I am really getting nervous that I will not be able to finish my papers in time, but more than that, I am peeved at Subway. Fuck that shit. I Am Done!

>:(

Anyway, my presentation went well. People got confused and I started talking. I do think I could have done better, but it is all good. I guess I will post my paper here, tell me what you think!


This is part 2 of 15:

Joseph Wright
ENG W233
wrigjp02@ipfw.edu


Rough Thesis: contrary to popular belief, society has not yet fully accepted or tolerated the homosexual lifestyle. Moral acceptance may not lead to equal rights, but it would advance social cohesion and the extroversion of natural society (putting an end to expressional restraints).

American society still holds beliefs that the sexual identification of having any sexual attraction to or sexual relations with somebody of the same sex is “wrong”, and thus “societal heterocentrism” defines deviations from gender typical behaviors as a lapse in ethical virtue, as a divergence from “normality”. Why must the pain and suffering of an illogical impending doom delineate our misguided actions? The insecurities of many homosexuals make them cower in fear over perceived threats and the real negative consequences of our desire for open expression. These cultural restraints are not as prevalent elsewhere in the world, but due to the traditional standing of our society, our holistic system of beliefs replace logic with fear and the negativity of hatred and disgust. “The ultimate desire is when the definition of sexuality per se is eliminated as a defining characteristic of a person.” () Upon the end of definitive lines binding the nature of humanity, utopianism will blossom and perfection will be achieved. What a glorious dream.

The distinctive labels, which are subconsciously assigned through judgments on both the physical and cognitive, effect personhood by leading to the repression of openness. Stereotypes and other groupings produce a contained sense of reality and limit the ability to be truly natural, open and free. “…[Preps], jocks, cheerleaders, punks, deadheads, druggies, geeks, and all the rest. Just about everyone received an unofficial but virtually unchangeable assignment to a particular group.” () “…[adolescents have a] penchant for labels. High-school students want to belong to a group. They want an identity. Getting to know other people, figuring them out, sorting out who [they] in light of who [their peers] are…” () The implication the author leads his audience into follows the idea that children are looking for belonging, some way to stabilize themselves through development, and that unknowingly children faction themselves in an order to belong and have purpose, which in my view is the ultimate goal of maturing. However, in some manner I feel as though these structures of belongingness are a hindrance to the progression of society and the bypassing of hate and conflict between groupings. These notions of hatred and confliction cause suppression and oppression, and then a self-imposed repression tries to force any unusual individual into “normality” of the particular category. In relation to American culture and society, the heterocentristic norm would identify homosexuals as abnormal; upon any self-imposed repression, a true homosexual would fail at attempts to become “normal”. Ones sexuality is not simple, people confuse homosexual attractions as being homosexual, when reality states that homosexual attractions do not always indicate full homosexuality. {ideas continued in 5th supporting detail}

A population of the younger generations, whom have homosexual attractions, are not identifying themselves as “gay” or even “homosexual”. Some of these people feel as if the intimacy they share with other individuals is either private or separate from their definition of themselves. Some of these people want to disassociate with the gay label because they wish to be accepted for who they are, and not just as a stereotype. () Young people with same-sex attractions are comfortable because there is a youth culture that accepts diverse sexualities. () This leading reason shows both the flexibility of acceptance as well as the restriction of social restraints. Upon further deduction this becomes a lose-lose situation. Without restriction, society breaks down into nothingness due to an immediate strain bound to the current belief system of eithics, virtue, and morality. With restriction, society is limited in equality and cohesion, breeding hate, rage, and anger towards particular individuals. These restrictions have a direct link to the gay label and have a direct correlation to why teens are becoming against the term. “The desire to name [one’s] sexuality is waning.” () Some feel as if the term “gay” is the “radical denunciation of hetero-normative culture and that it fails to fit the lives of all homosexuals.” ()

Sexual-identification is not infallible; many feel that a predisposition at an early age to the homosexual lifestyle can effect/affect the future self, thus resulting in changes from behaviors that could have been, to what are present, (this is not to say that homosexuality is able to be passed by contact or transmitted in ANY way, shape, or form). However, this theory does not apply to all, this statement is connected to child assault and rape victims. Not all self-identified homosexuals are fixed in sexuality from birth—as some are. Yet due to this main factor, the question over whether one can fully decide what sexual label they fall upon becomes a stressed question for both the individual and for society. The possibility that one could make an erroneous or mislead statement about sexual preference becomes highly plausible when situations of psychological strain have been place on the individual. When attempting to self-identify as “gay” or “homosexual” it arrives a negative connotation when verbally assigned to a person. Current trends show that the use of the gay label is going out of fashion, and now, due to the uprising of negative associations (such as “gay” being a synonym for “stupid”). It is being thought of less as a way to unite a minority and more as a way to oppress a class, de-individualize, and categorize a groping of people. Previously the gay label was used to unite all “homosexuals” in a order to progress the activism aimed at gaining equal rights. The label is still in use today, but instead of being respected as a way of equating people, it is separating and deconstructing the ideals and motivations by being used in a slanderous way in a major part of society.

Meh. Now I have more to worry about. Tyler. :'( I cannot disappoint him, but I cannot overlook what -my- needs are (that he is in clear violation of). This whole ordeal pertains to My Rules. I wish he could see through this infatuation and make his move, either one way or the other, (one radical extreme to the other radical extreme) either being able to fulfill my need of 4/7 days by moving here and sharing myself with him or letting me go.

I guess I can recap on the Cody situation expanding what was stated from earlier.

Here is the expanded version of my analysis of Cody Killian:

Cody Killian--Oh how I have grown to disdain him. (To Loathe, yet desire, while realizing.) The lies and manipulations he spreads astound me. He has the ability to twist the situation to his benefit, yet is still unable and un-wanting of the connections of emotions, save rage, hurt, and angst. He single-handedly wasted away my energies and efforts at trying to rescue him from himself. He so selfishly took it upon himself to revert, before my very eyes, to the figure that I no longer wish to be in the presence of. I felt drained when he shared my innocence, pressuring me into acts that are only to be share between lovers. Him along with his previous boyfriend are two of a pair, they co-exist with the same purpose. Seduction. Cody told me that he was clearly unable to function properly as an individual due to abuse and neglect, but even so-one's past can be overlooked. Even being hurt by the one's most trusted can be overcame. Escapism is what has consumed Cody. I believe that he lost his happiness and found the comfort of escapism endearing. Logic and reason could not sway his opinion; I have tried. I could tell that he had emotional scars, I could tell but I still thought that there was hope left-that quite possibly he could be "saved"; however, I was wrong. His story illuminated the scars on his wrist, and the reason for them. He -LIKED- the pain that cutting brought him. It gave him a sense of existence; it gave him a sense of life. It was Cody's last boyfriend that drove him to his desired pain. Adam Gauthier was his last boyfriend. Although, because they had similar pasts, similar wants, and similar needs Cody has developed this complex (system) of acknowledging his relation to others with seems detrimental to his well-being. He believes that he cannot love, that he cannot feel for another, and that he cannot be with just one person (which goes for Adam Gauthier as well). He said that because of his past he was unable to feel Love, un-wanting of a relationship because that would mean that he would either need to feel love or just use the person for his own sexual and physical needs. This falsehood that Cody has wrapped his mind around shows his loneliness. He is not Alone, yet he is lonely. His quests for pleasure worry me. I know a bit of his past and I believe that his early sexual development shaped the scared version of the boy we see now. He lives for release, yet he finds the whole act abominable. He holds no shame in letting others down, well to the fact that his ties to other are not strengthened until the bond should not break. I told him that I expect him to break my heart and he did. There is nothing unusual about Cody Killian, he is running away from the conformity that America idealizes and it will ruin him.

My karma is catching up to me. Cody and I are no more—due to my Adam's curse (A.K.A. the four-day curse). The worst day of my life was then, and dealing with almost-termination from Subway is the now; my bosses assaulted me, then my parents belittled me, and then Cody destroyed me. The Cody deal is really a topic of its own that needs its own journal entry. I may have been fired after what happened on the Saturday before Easter; the several disasters added up to the final act that led me to my decision which made me NEED to get a new job (while not quitting, yet leaving). My feelings are mute now, and I need to write out these feelings so I can get over what has been tormenting me.

Cody Killian--Oh how I have grown to disdain him. (To Loathe, yet desire, while realizing.) It really started with the previous journal entries. I had held off masturbation for way too long, and with all of my sexual tensions held and compacted, my sense of logic skewed and I made a mistake.

It started on Sunday the Fifth. He "pops" up on my facebook messenger saying that he had bad news. Now I will get to the culmination of what led up to the rage building up inside of me later. I was under serious strain, and I was trying my best not to blow up at the impending doom that I sensed flowing from his words. He said that he had some bad news, and that he NEEDED to tell me (which at the time I was concerned, and looking back, I just Laugh at his lies/falsehood).

All the lies that he told me over the course of time that I spent re-acclimating myself to his bad news have wasted away my energies. I feel drained. However, I guess you need to understand what he did. Before he started dating me, I asked him about his past, and what a gruesome past he has. He told me the story of his previous boyfriend, which is the center of my problems with him. Cody told me that he was clearly unable to function properly as an individual due to abuse and neglect, but that it was not serious. I could tell that he had emotional scars, I could tell but I still thought that there was hope left-that quite possibly he could be "saved"; however, I was wrong.

His story illuminated the scars on his wrist, and the reason for them. It was Cody's last boyfriend that drove him to his desired pain. Adam Gauthier (sp?) was his last boyfriend; he said that they were two of the same people (having similar pasts, similar wants, and similar needs). He said that because of his past he was unable to feel Love, un-wanting of a relationship because that would mean that he would either need to feel love or just use the person for his own sexual and physical needs. I got that feeling when in conversation with him. He displays a great ease when I pleasure him, yet we relate uneasily when not in a pleasured mood. His sexual tension is one that I have not examined fully as he is so unique in construction. He even once asked to get as freaky/kinky as punching during sex.

When he told me of his news I was almost to tears when I realized the complex know as Cody Killian. He said that during a party that he attended over the weekend he wanted just to talk to Adam, but, he said, he was drunk and ended up making out with Adam and cuddling with other people at the party. This CLEARLY invalidated our relationship, yet still I had the hope of being able to take our relationship to further levels (forgive and forget). This was one of the greatest mistakes I will ever make, and it will no longer effect me as it has. I am closing myself down to the pressures of others.

I will continue my rant later. Point being, he broke up with me after four meetings (days), after we had sexual contact (with me doing everything except anal), and now he is back into an open relationship with Adam Gauthier (which makes him a joke).

Let me restate that I DO NOT like karma. It is as if I am paying for all the joy I have had up until recently. (First with Autumn, then with Cody, and finally with my job.) Next goes my mind. :/

My worse day ever encompassed three qualities: Work, Parents, and Cody. I will now talk about the first two.

For the last few months (since June 10, 2008), I have been working at Subway; first at the store on Paulding Road, and now at the U.S. 27 BP Sparky Mart store. When I transferred I got scheduled 6hrs/week, and I felt that was unacceptable. Now I make an average of 10hrs/week and the reason I wanted to transfer is no longer and in its wake is the wrath of Ashley.

I transferred because of Brian Till's smile. He was the person who called me up one day to help him out at his store, and all during that shift I felt myself staring at his loving smile. Yet that smile turned to a faded/jaded expression or silenced straight face, (unchanging, undesirable, and diverted) his social problems with me (along with Ashley's attitudes) have left me angered, soul-less and oppressed.

I went to work on that CRAP-TASTIC Sunday, April 5, 2008 from 11:00 a.m. until 2:30 p.m. a mere 3.5 hours. In those few hours, I was mentally abused, drained, mocked, commanded, and I was told how unsatisfactory my performance was. She (Ashley, Assistant Manager) actually scolded me on not doing something that she never asked me to do. She LOOKS for things to get angry about.

I can actually say this: I hate her. She is worthless. I have moral obligation that make me not want to hate, and I have only hated two people, yet she makes me want to stab her behind her back. She makes me want to rip out her spine.

Let’s see, that day she was so mad that she called and told her mother (the Manager) that I was complaining about changing the feminine trashcan. Which upon Jody (Manager/Mother) talking to me she had concluded that I both complained and refused to do what I was told. I was sure to correct her thoughts on the matter as soon as possible. She knows where I stand on the matter as of now, yet still believes that everyone else lives up to her expectations, even her daughter. Therefore, when I made the comment that no one else changes it with proof from my bag placement, Ashley challenged me by saying that I had no concrete proof that would reflect this. So I devised a plan, and I won. I placed a tag on the inside of the bag stating the date and time along with my name, which if the bag was changed the tag would be in the garbage and I would be proven false. HOWEVER, I came back 36 hours later and the tag was still in the same spot, in the same bag. Three shifts had gone by which means that the bag should have been changed anywhere from three times all the way to ten times as ordered by Jody (Manager). So -IN FACT- I am the only one who changes the bag.

This job is unacceptable, demeaning, and insulting. I am not going to accept it anymore. I am not going to fight anymore either. I am going to leave for good. Life goes on. No one will subject me to this kind of torture.

When I got off my shift-from-hell, my parents confronted me for not living up to their expectations. They said that to live in their house that I had to either have a full-time job or be going to school. I am doing both and they still think that I "OWE" them, which I do. I feel obligate to reciprocate their generosity, and I show it in my subtle ways by the chores that I do and by the space that I give them in their lives. I will not accept them telling me that I OWE them equivalent exchange, because I am not financially secure, and they are aware of that, yet they force the issue of payment when they say they only look forward towards my success. I am unhappy in their household, but I know that if I was on my own I would not be able to live as I do. I would not be able to go to school. I would not be able to be happy. I would work, and live from check to check. This cannot happen, but I cannot fulfill their happiness either (I am under too many pressures).

This brief explanation may help shed light on my situation, but I still have many things to go into. Ask me if you want to know more.

Then there was the whole Saturday Issue. My precloser did not finish any of her tasks and left me following behind her doing all of her chores on top of mine. This made me seriously late and behind in my work. Long Story > Short. I got 80% done, and I burned the bread. On top of that since I was so focused on getting out by 10:30 p.m. (because my Manager said that I had to) I forgot to put away the money and lock the doors before the guy set the alarm to the building and left. While waiting for my Mom, I realized this and woke up my Manager and then she woke up the guy with the key. She was not happy at all. She said that this had the potential to fire me, and she only knew about the money and doors.

I was seriously about to have a nervous breakdown with the work that I hadn't finished. I took care of what I could. I can honestly say that I did my best, even if my best is not anywhere close to what she was expecting. I am not going to work there anymore. This job is only hurting my psyche. I am done. I am over it. Closed Case.

I will elaborate more on these topics later.
-Joseph

Do you need to love someone? Yes.
Today I woke up sensing Cody all over me. He overwhelms me...I like it.





I smelled him, from his clothes right beside my bed.
I quaked at the thought of his touch in my dreams.
I taste him on my breath, which is unusual.
I see him everytime I daydream.
I can even hear his voice when think about his beauty.



Dear God,

I hate my life. Please stop my halusinations of the most amazingest guy ever. I need to get back to normality, and I want to be able to think about something unrelated to my lovely.

I feel the burden of my attractions accross my body, ripping me downward into a rabbit hole of torments and agonizing pain repeated by my desires craving his attention--and not being able to recieve it.

This is no longer lust; it has grown, matured into a feeling of longing. I am unable to breathe when I am away from him. I am unable to focus, when I have no direction, because all of my thoughts gravitate towards the subject of him.

My dearest, Cody Killian, my lovely. I can not imagine him as an everyday person any longer...there is me and then there is him.

I wish to be taken by him. I don't want to be alone. If he hurts then I am hurt. I have spent too much time by myself without him.

The door is shut and I keep knocking, waiting, just wondering, speculating the worst, hoping for the best, unable to deem an appropriate answer. I keep him in mind all the while.

I don't want to already be hazy, nor wasted on this. What am I going to do? What am I going to say? I am not sure how this came to happen, but I don't seem too concerned. Is that wrong?

In Need,
-Joseph

I can feel the pressure...It's getting closer now.

My life just took a nosedive, and nothing can ever be good when that happens. I feel as if something bad is looming in relation to Cody and me. It is the four-day curse. I told him, and I quote, "I Will Not Leave You," but it seems as if things may be getting in the way of our love. I will not say that I am in Love with Cody, but as far as I can tell, I might as well be. He makes me happy, and I enjoy being with him. I would say that I am "With" him, but that would be a complicated matter to discuss.

It all started with me making brownies this morning at 7:00 a.m., who does that? Am I right? Well I skipped half of the things I was going to do to be on facebook, which ended up taking forever. I left to the Kroger at SouthGate Plaza in order to get my bus pass because the bus stop is right behind Kroger. While in Kroger I picked up a surprise for Cody, which ended up going awry; long story (mentioned later).

I left for school shortly after paying, and it sure was windy and cold. Naturally, I decided to wear shorts and a t-shirt on one of the coldest days in April.

So I get to school, skip my first class which I am failing, and meet up with Cody. We chat a while before going to my next class which was a bore, on the topic of marriage. Cody, Kat, and I then go to Gates to work out where I find my English Classmate naked in the locker rooms. I stared but luckily so did Cody, so I didn't feel so bad. I go to my next class and all through class I facebook instant message Cody, with one of his messages reading something like, "the inside of my undies are soaked after reading that [journal]". It was pleasing that he liked the two. He might become disappointed after reading this one though.

After I finish my English class I meet up with Brandon O'Brien and him at the Classroom Medical building. For some reason I was so completely turned on by the two of them that I grasped Brandon's shirt and almost made out with him. I am not entirely sure why, but as soon as I realized what was happening I stopped, pulled back, and made a joke out of it. -in the clear-

Cody and Brandon went to the Salvation Army to hunt for clothes with cute alligators (Cody's new obsession) and instead they found a couple shirts, which I believe included Batman, and this Colorado Sunrise shirt (which Cody gave to me). :D

They, however, were 30 minutes LATE, which didn't impress me or make me happy. So after I finish getting a coffee, we head back to his place where the trouble begins.

It starts out as us watching Twilight together, and then progressed to us watching porn together. p.s. My hand was wet from rubbing his pants, just to let you know. I have a gifted man!

We did everything against my rules, save the sex part. I knew I would give him blue balls if he did not take care of his issue, so I gave him my computer and ordered him to masturbate in the bathroom to any porn that he wished. He had never seen gay porn before the bareback fucking I showed him, and he needed it-BAD. I heard him through two walls and a closet. Eeek. (bang, bang bang, boom, ahhhhh...lol)

After the masturbation, things got depressing, as they always do. He dove into a depression that I just wanted to continue talking about all night long. I know I would not be able to respond to what he feels, but I think because he cares he will at least try to be more open with me and I truly hope that is the case. I want him to be open and upfront with me, about EVERYTHING -- err -- scratch the last part; I NEED him to be open, upfront and honest about everything with me. From the smallest of things not related to me, all the way to the largest. Any and Everything.

During the movie we tried the spray whip cream, but it didn't work out as kinky as I had planned. I do not know why.



Feelings on the matter at hand:
I believe that he may separate himself with me in some way, shape, or form. It is not that I want that, because I DO NOT, I just can see that coming. We haven't know each other but for 2 days, and already I feel as if he just wants to pull away...almost as if he won't Love himself enough so that he has the ability to be and fall in Love with me. THAT is why I live: I Live For Love! I want to give him his space. I also want to test how much he cares for me. I do not want to fall in Love with someone unable to Love in return. I want to be there to support him whenever I can. THIS main point is why I am unable to say that I am "in a relationship" with Cody. I want him bad, I want his Love, compassion, and concern, but if he is absolutely unable to let me share his life, his love, his wholeness, then I need to do something that I may be unable to do. I will not end what we have. He is the only one with that power. If he would only let me into his life, his REAL life, then I would be his forever. I almost want to say I am in Love with him; I have only known him for 2 days, and I have concern for our latest conversation. If anything happens with him, before I meet him Monday, I will probably hurt myself equally if not be destroyed -- again! I cannot suffer his loss, his pain for him. If I could I would take it all away from him, in a heartbeat. I would allow him to Love, to be on a romantic stage set where all of the applause was for him. I care so much for him. Now the feelings are set in stone, now is when I confront reality. I need Love. I need Him.

Feelings aside, my day was unique, with difficulties. I need a hug. lol
-Joseph

I had the worst day at work today, but I will get to that later.

I got up today, at an alarming 8:30 a.m., which is surprising for me due to the fact that I usually sleep in on my days off of school (Tuesday and Thursday). I had received my schedule previously the day before when Cody took me to drop off my certificates. The schedule said that I worked 4:30 p.m. to 8:00 p.m. (a meager 3.5 hours). I had no reason to get up, but my alarm clock was ringing and my dog would just not leave me alone after he snuck into my room pushing the door open with his nose.

So I wake up perfectly fine, rested and secured, on (guess what) my BED!!! Finally the brunt of my spring cleaning, which has been going on for a week, allowed me to utilize my bed instead of making me sleep on the floor. So I was in total comfort, and I fell right into R.E.M. sleep, which felt nice for once. I actually like not having to masturbate in order to get to sleep.

Well upon waking, I was assigned 3 tasks: Yard, Dishes, Laundry...all to be completed before I was picked up for work. Well out of all three I completed 1.25 of said chores, and not even the most difficult ones. Anyways, I get ready and get picked up which leads to my arrival at my Subway early.

First thing they tell me: "just so you know, the pickles were recalled today. So don't use any." This information was just the beginning of the chaos that was soon to arise.

The majority of the pain and torment was due to one of my co-workers, Brian Till (his smile was the reason I transferred to this Subway). Now he's turning into a big cunt-liking STD-faced anti-social FUCK, whom I am growing a gradual aberration towards. He wouldn’t talk to me all day, and on top of that he was just bumming around as if he had nothing to do. I hate inequality of work the especially when the unequal positive person is getting more hours, better pay, and more respect. This completely ruined my day.

However ruined it turned out to be, I was lifted in knowing that my babe messaged me back finally, and when he did I was lifted in spirit by how he conveyed his feeling about me. It made me feel important, cared for, and even loved...but let's not get carried away. It was only a facebook message...right?

Here is a sample of our thread (his words):

"I could say so much, but I'd rather I'd say it to you. I really feel an attraction and I haven't been this happy in a while. Most of the time negative thoughts just fill my mind, but all I think of is you now and it brings a smile to my face. Thank you."

I feel so bound to him, and I only just met him. We shall see how this plays out.

Now I have the issue of telling my Cody/Kody(s) apart from one another. I was talking to [Matthew] Cody Lang on AIM today and we/I kept getting confused around which person I was talking to and about... It was an unusual twist that I don't usually run into. Knowing people is my game now, so... I need some help. I need a nickname for my lovely. Any suggestions?
-Joseph

I had the most interesting date/first encounter today. -THAT- was the whole of my day; in reality I finished everything that I had been assigned. I feel like I accomplished a lot. I woke up on time, took my shower, and got on the bus with ease. I finished my papers while meeting up with my old neighbor and her daughter, whom I hadn't seen in quite some time (years it seemed). We did the whole picture and catch up thing at lunch and right before I was able to finish the two essays due at my one o' clock appointment. I hit every mark today. Went through the motions and accomplished my goals. :D



"The Encounter"

(previously)

I met this guy named "Killian, Cody" on facebook. He, at the time, was in a relationship with Adam Gauthier (sp?), immediately I noticed his glorious attractiveness. So upon friend requesting and being accepted, I went directly to his photos and found what I can only describe as "HAWT XD"! A few days pass and we sparingly send messages back and forth, when I find that he had ended his relationship. I wasn't thinking at all about this fact, considering his extreme sexiness in comparison to the likes of me. :( However, that's when he pokes me. I was all like, "OH NO HEE DIDDNNT!" (insert snap + wrist flick here) This is when I actually meet him on campus. I didn't realize it at the time, but I had actually followed him up to Walb, when I lost him. Later, he walks up with Brandon O'Brien to the Grand Piano of Walb, and I pretend not to notice him, considering I looked like shit. So after several pokes he calls me out of the blue. I was all like "Cody? Hey hoe, where have you been, get on AIM." Of course he was thinking that I knew who was calling, when in fact I was referring to Cody Lang (my buddy) and was under the impression that he was Cody Lang. After we got that mess sorted out, we started talking, when I had to go. Nothing really developed at that point, and he did it again the next day. So we get to talking, and he replies to my note on facebook in his instant message on AIM (which I made him get, due to the fact that I only chat there.) I was quite pleased with his answers. Eventually he asked to meet me, since I had basically ignored him the first time I saw him. We planned to meet Today, Wednesday, April 01, 2009.

(Today)

I met the AMAZING Cody Killian at 3:30 p.m. at the Grand Piano. Of course I still had things to do before enjoying his company, and shockingly he joined me along the way (unlike many of my friends). I finished my tests then Cody and I meet up with Andrew Stackhouse, Kody Tinnel, and Brandon O'Brien outside for a smoke. After we were done freezing our asses off he asked me if I wanted to go back to his house to get something to eat. I thought it would be a great idea, due to the fact that I just wanted to fall asleep (not going to bed till late last night.) We went to his house where I found the cutest puppy! :D I think I remember him saying something about it being part Chihuahua. We moved to his bedroom/closet faster than you could blink an eye. It started out as playing videogames, and then moved to sleeping on each other, then touching, then rubbing, then basically dry humping, and finally kissing. That's when I snapped back to reality and stopped him/us. It was my fault for initiating something I couldn't handle. (That wasn't meant to be a pun but DAMN IT'S FRICKN HUGE!!!!) So anyway, he took me to Subway to drop off my certificates, and then proceeded to take me home.

(End)



I really think that there might be potential with this one. He seems sooooo sweet, we get along nicely, and he is SOOOOOOOO fucking attractive. I want him in my life. SO BAD! But we will see...let us hope that he doesn't fall prey to the four day curse.

-Joseph

I am going to go public with everything...no more friend's only bull. I am done with hiding anymore. So for starters I am gay. Accept it. Deal with it. Get over it.

I won't be going into detail about what is missing ... it's in the past, and if you need to know (or if you ask) I will include it. I do however want to start doing dailies...but, I am not sure if I will hit on everyday.

p/o guys
- Joseph

Poll #887606 Cute-ness Poll
Open to: All, detailed results viewable to: All, participants: 1

How Cute Is My Main PIC, 5 max Cute-ness, 1 ugly

I amjust a random gay in Fort Wayne, Indiana... I am in College at IPFW majoring in Business graduating hopefully in 2012. I'm nice, caring, open, and always concerned about the people closest to me! I am in one word Unique, I am like no other... Most people can't understand my personality, and I think that's funny! Some of my journals are set to friends only and thus you need to become my friend to read...{consisting of Dairy pages and other personal things} Some things {like fanfics} will be visible to the public... FYI, I don't update daily, so if you would like to be in the loop check back here to find such dairy pages describing the times.

Thanks for reading,

-Joseph (Castielle)